i think i recognize dicks better than faces
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Randomize
