I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
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