rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I love having hate sex.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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