Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Randomize
