You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Randomize
