yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
