So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
