I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
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