Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
