PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
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