Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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