Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
