Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Randomize
