When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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