if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
