You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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