Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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