I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
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