It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
