From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Randomize