he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
you didnt know i had herpes?
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
