You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize