I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
