Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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