Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
