worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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