I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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