batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
