Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Randomize
