I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
