Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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