From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I am spending my child support on dildos
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
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