im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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