3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize