yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Randomize
