My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
