I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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