I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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