so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I think we might need a safe word for this...
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Randomize
