I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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