also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
