The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
