You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize