I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
