I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
