i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
