I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
