Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I have aggressive nipples.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
