You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Hello my rib-scented angel!
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
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