i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
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