Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Randomize
