there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
Please, let me fuck your mom
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Randomize
