she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
