your room smells of hookers.
And success
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
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