I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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