Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
we're making bets on your personal life
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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