I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
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