Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
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