this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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