her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
