Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
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