Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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